A MODEST PROPOSAL

A problem has arisen in America. We’re divided. Philosophically, religiously, and culturally, between those who celebrate diversity, multi-culturalism, and an expanding electorate, and those who long for the simpler days of America First. We need unity of purpose, religion, language, background, and culture.

To accomplish this, we need a national registry, a big beautiful wall, strict guidelines for who can come and go, how they should comport themselves while here, and of course, an undergirding principle of Us First.

First, registry and self-deportation

English-speaking White Christians who wish to self-deport to the new nation, which we will call The Enclave, need to register their intentions with the United States department tasked with handling the internal migration. Once resettled in The Enclave (which will be located in the central part of the “Red Wall”–think Louisiana Purchase, roughly, but pushed slightly west), they will be safe from Muslims, Jews, atheists, LGBT people, feminists, and liberals in general.

Think the Pilgrims here. They are your muses and guides. They self-deported from England, then Europe, then England again for their own religious purposes. Be like them, but be cautioned that no non-Christian Native Americans or other pagans will be allowed in The Enclave to help when times get rough and famine or disease looms.

Of course, while safe from rubbing shoulders with actual Jews, the White Christians of The Enclave will be required to support the State of Israel financially and philosophically against all her enemies, being particularly careful to teach their children that the Dome of the Rock mosque must be destroyed before Jesus can come back.

Clearly, in order to provide enough room for the self-deporting White Christians, a great number of people will need to leave what is currently known as the American Heartland and themselves be resettled in coastal “Blue States.” Simple trading may make this easier than it sounds, the self-deporters being eager to get away from “the Others” (as they like to call the rest of us).

Second, build a big beautiful wall

The big, beautiful wall will keep you safe by keeping others out. Once your insular culture of isolationism is intact in The Enclave, no one else will want to be there, and at that point you can dismantle the wall, though you won’t want to. Its presence will be comforting to you by then. You will need it surrounding you, keeping you in.

Third, make sure you’ve said good-bye to all your LGBT friends and relatives. You won’t see them again.

No LGBTQ people are allowed inside the wall. You and your children will be safe from their harmful agenda.

Furthermore, electrocution sites will be set up to shock the gay out of any young person (or indeed older person) who comes to believe his or her “chosen” sexual orientation veers from heterosexual or whose gender identification varies from the traditional binary understanding of male and female based on visual inspection of genitalia.

Other sexual rules will include (but not be limited to) the following:

Men may use porn. Men may seek divorces. Women who are sexually assaulted will be charged with immodesty and with “causing their brother to stumble.”

Fourth, make sure everyone is armed. Concealed carry will be required in the new nation.

Peaceful protest isn’t allowed inside the wall–protesters will be given a chance to “stop whining and go home,” but after that will be investigated and jailed. Nor may a free press operate if there is any hint of disrespect of or disagreement with the ruling powers within The Enclave.

Fifth, in addition to keeping out all Muslims, no Muslim invention or procedure will be permitted. This will remind the young people of the superiority of all things White and Christian.

The children will appreciate this, since Algebra will be outlawed. There will also be no Universities, since the first Universities were started by Muslim women in the late 9th century. Surgery, first developed by a Muslim doctor, Al Zahrawi (whose 1,500 page book became the go-to surgeon’s how-to for centuries), will be outlawed. Coffee will not be available.

Sixth, no woman may terminate any pregnancy for any reason ever.

There are no exceptions. The Enclave is exceedingly pro-life, therefore any woman or doctor circumventing this rule will be executed for murder. A man assisting his wife in this crime–for example, if he foolishly believes he is saving her life by so doing–will be charged as an accessory to murder.

Last, all residents of The Enclave shall wear a special signification–a noticeable patch of some kind, or even a branding–when they have occasion to travel outside The Enclave. This will aid in identification by others who wish to avoid them or refuse to serve them during their short times on the outside, that is, the United States of America, that progressive, liberal place founded on the simple and radical notion that all people are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator with certain rights, among which are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.