IRON MAN 3, starring Robert Downey, Jr.

I’m sitting here on this couch because I just made an awesome movie that is going to print money for me until the end of time. Even middle-aged women in Northern Cali are gasping for breath after seeing it.

I’m Ben Kingsley and I’m totes amazing as The Mandarin, even though I’m not Chinese and I’m about to kill everyone.

I’m the Iron Patriot, a shameless Iron Man knock-off, and I can fly to Pakistan in like three minutes.

Hi, I’m Gwyneth, and I write cook-books and kiss men in armor.

See above comment about middle-aged women gasping for breath.

First gigantic, overpowering, explosion-filled movie of the summer powered by an emotionally-frail hero, an almost sympathetic nerd-turned-villain (think Syndrome), a highly-zealous security guard, a conflicted genius botanist, and a little boy who saves the day. Throw in Gwyneth looking lovely, Miguel Ferrer (NCIS: Los Angeles) as the US Veep, and a President who’s high-strung and vulnerable, and you’ve got yourself a movie, people.

There are some bikinis, but they are mocked. It’s the serious, smart girls who get the attention here. There’s some innuendo, and a little language, but all of that is subsumed in the explosions and the story. And the music, the beautiful music.

Stay all the way to the very very very end.

I’m afraid Leo and Company next week (Gatsby) and Kirk and Company the following week (Star Trek) may be in for a bruising.

My guys saw it in 3D and gave that a thumbs up.